L❤︎VED ONES
Where do we start?
We know that you’ve come to this page with a specific person in mind, and we are glad to have you here. Whether you are a friend, a partner, a neighbor, an employee, or a family member of someone with OCPD, we applaud you for taking the time out of your day to see what can be done to help. And if you are looking for support yourself, we are happy to provide that for you as well.
Obsessive compulsive personality disorder is unfortunately a disorder that the general public knows very little about. In fact, we’d venture to guess that most people haven’t even heard of OCPD. OCD sure! But that’s a completely different thing altogether. So the lack of awareness and understanding is reason enough to feel lost when confronted with someone with OCPD. Then couple that with the fact that you may be facing unique challenges with this individual, and there are all sorts of reasons you may be feeling overwhelmed. And for some of you, we understand that you may even feel that you are past your breaking point.
The Foundation is not just a resource for those with OCPD, but a place where those with loved ones with OCPD can come to find help as well. We have witnessed firsthand the potential destructive capacity OCPD can have on families and relationships. We are here to offer our support and answer your questions. If you decide that you need further support, we offer a directory of therapists that may be able to further assist you in your current situation. We want to make sure you’re taken care of as well. From the main menu, you will find additional resources such as research articles, a forum for family members, books, or you can even contact us directly.
Do you know someone with OCPD?
You may know someone with an official diagnosis, but what is far more likely is that you know someone who displays the traits of someone with OCPD. This is an incredibly important distinction. Just as a person shouldn’t self-diagnose, we shouldn't be attempting to diagnose others or making assumptions about someone else’s mental state. If you are reading this, it’s almost guaranteed that you are searching for answers. You may even be in a situation that feels impossible. And the information on this page is intended to help both you and your loved one. However, it is imperative that we work with the facts. Without a formal diagnosis, we should be addressing the traits we can identify, the maladaptive behaviors that are causing life disruptions, and the thought processes that are causing a lower quality of life.
If you suspect that someone you know may be suffering from OCPD, we want to encourage them to seek out help from a mental health professional. Making accusations and assumptions is more than likely going to push them in the opposite direction. People who do, in fact, have OCPD are very often resistant to admitting that there is anything wrong to begin with. So please do not tell someone that you think they have OCPD. If that feels limiting, it’s not. Let’s now start to look at all of the ways that we can help.
There is a way forward!
The intent of this article is to try and offer some guidance, reassurance & hope to those living with or having someone in their life with OCPD. All of the suggestions about to be presented are predicated on the idea that you start by putting your own mental health above and beyond anything else. Some of you will recognize that you are in a situation that is malleable, and you will be encouraged about the relationship you are currently concerned with. Some of you may come to the realization that the situation you find yourself in is very destructive, and you will be faced with some difficult decisions. But this page on this site is for you. It’s to help you put yourself first. Once you’ve gained perspective, you will have a better understanding of how you can help yourself and others.
There are a few different likely positions that someone visiting this page would find themselves in. Let’s discuss the differing scenarios, and then we can address them one by one. The first scenario is that you have a person in your life who is displaying OCPD traits, and neither you nor they know if they have OCPD. Maybe you’ve searched online for a specific set of symptoms and found yourself on this website. The person you’re thinking of doesn’t believe that there is anything "wrong" with them, but you can see that they are suffering, and it’s also likely that you too are suffering as a result. We’ll call this "speculation".
Next up, we have a situation in which we’ve moved onto some sort of recognition. Both you and the person in question are aware that there are things about their personality that are causing issues in the relationship that you have with them. Maybe they’ve gone as far as talking to a mental health professional. Maybe they’ve even gone as far as receiving an OCPD diagnosis. With this information, there are three possible outcomes. They could resist and push back against this newfound knowledge, essentially staying in a state of denial. We’ll call this one "indignation". Alternatively, they could accept the facts as presented to them but be unwilling to do much about them. Or maybe their progress is moving at a pace that you find unacceptable. This we will refer to as "stagnation". We won’t need to cover the third option, as this is where they actively work on improving the situation and are showing signs of change.
But first...
In the second half of this article, we are going to discuss the many different ways that you can help the person in your life who may have OCPD. And by helping this person, it follows that you will also be helping yourself. But nothing is guaranteed, and nobody can know the final outcome of your efforts. So it’s really important that we do what we can to take care of you. The first thing you may want to consider is some sort of therapy or treatment for yourself. Some may balk and think this is unfair. After all, you aren’t the one who is at the root of the problems you are encountering. However, one of the most important things that you can do for yourself at this time is gain some much-needed perspective.
You are in the eye of the hurricane, and seeing clearly everything that is happening around you can be very challenging. Do you know how much you are really being affected? Do you know if your presence is helping? Are you capable of weathering this storm? Is your own mental health intact? Helping someone else isn’t going to be possible if you yourself are falling apart. This is where therapy comes in. A therapist is going to be able to offer you the support you need during this trying time. They are going to be able to help you assess what the best decisions are for yourself and your relationship. They won’t have all of the answers, but you will gain a new outlook, which can help you figure out your next steps.
Taking care of yourself is also very essential. The more you look after yourself, the more energy you will have when working through this situation. Eating healthy, exercising, practicing meditation & taking personal time are all great ways to keep up your morale. If the person in your life with the OCPD traits is negatively impacting your self-esteem, these can be good practices to lift yourself back up. Although it’s highly unlikely that the person bringing you down is doing so intentionally, the effects are damaging nonetheless. If they are not there for you in the way that you need them to be, you are going to have to be your own cheerleader throughout all of this. Additionally, surrounding yourself with good people who both love you and have your back can be comforting and encouraging during this time.
"SPECULATION"
Hopefully, by this point, you have a firm grasp on what it is that you need to do for yourself to ensure that you are prioritizing your own mental health. Going forward, we are going to discuss the ways in which you can attempt to help the person in your life who may be suffering from OCPD. As it’s not possible to help those who don’t want to help themselves, we need to find a way to open this person up to the idea that there might be something wrong in the first place.
For someone who falls under the category of "speculation", we have the furthest distance to travel. The following information is going to work best if you haven’t already presented the idea of OCPD to them. All is not lost if you have, but the following steps may require an extra bit of finesse as they may already have their guard up in regards to this subject.
The first thing you can do is gain as much knowledge on the subject of OCPD as possible. There are a lot of resources on this site that will provide you with a good place to start. And although you are not in a position to diagnose anyone, you are likely to be the closest person to this individual, and so you may have considerable insight into their thoughts and actions. The more you research, the more you’ll be able to solidify your convictions. That still doesn’t mean you can know for sure that they have OCPD, but you’ll at least be prepared.
The next thing you can do for yourself is to join some online support groups and forums. Sharing your story and hearing others can be powerful. They might give you reassurance that you’re not alone or give you the confidence you need to take some steps you’ve been putting off for a long time. If you are feeling worn down, this can be just the encouragement you are looking for.
OK, so you’ve done your research and you’ve talked to others in your position; now it’s time to go beat this person over the head with the knowledge that you know that they have OCPD. Right? Wrong! In your research, you will read about how people with OCPD are resistant to an official diagnosis or even the suggestion that they have OCPD. There are many different reasons for this. Each person will likely have their own unique reason for their defiance. It’s important to understand that there are a lot of things going on in their brain all at once, and none of those thoughts involve wanting to hear about how something might be wrong with them. Frustratingly, they do not want to hear that they might be the problem. It could be because they’ve truly bought into their own idea of perfection. It could be because nobody has ever dared broach the subject with them before. It could be because others have spent their entire lives appeasing this person. It could be because they are depressed and don’t have the mental fortitude to handle this information. It could be that the relationship between the two of you is so damaged that they don’t have the trust necessary to hear this from you. What’s important to know is that they don’t want to hear it, never mind believe it. And the reason that this is important is that it shapes everything that comes next.*
*disclaimers
None of the following is recommended if you don’t have the other person’s best interests at heart. Yes, we care about you, the person who receives the fallout from the OCPD. But if, for example, you’ve made up your mind that you’re going to divorce or disown this person, telling them that they have OCPD as you’re running out the door is cruel and harmful. Please give a lot of thought to what it is you are trying to accomplish before you start throwing out an amateur diagnosis.
Everyone has different levels of receptibility, and everyone has a different level of this personality disorder. There are those who will resist and persist no matter what approach you use. The silver lining in all of this is that, statistically, most people who seek out treatment for OCPD have done so because of encouragement from a spouse or loved one.
The key to starting is gentleness. How gentle? Well gentle enough that they don’t feel like they are being blamed for anything. You will want to sit down with your loved one and let them know that how things are currently is unacceptable. That you had envisioned life with or around this person very differently. You do not feel great about things. In fact, you feel sad, frustrated, or lonely. The key is to not assign blame to either of you. You’re talking about how you’re unhappy with the situation, not how you’re unhappy with them specifically. Approach them lovingly and explain to them that the lines of communication need to be opened up and that you feel as though some serious discussions need to take place. Any changes you are hoping for are only likely to occur if their outlook shifts, and so letting them know that the status quo isn’t working for you is the first real step.
Whenever you’re presenting them with new, challenging information, give them time to digest everything before continuing with this serious discussion. This way, they don’t feel ambushed. It’s true that if you do this, you risk allowing them time to come up with all sorts of excuses. But this really is a best-of-the worst type of situation, and if you want a calm discussion, let them know that you think there are some important issues to discuss and that you’d love to pick a time in the next few days to sit down and respectfully discuss them. Let them know that there’s nothing to worry about but that you think that your relationship needs some attention.
When you eventually enter into this conversation, it’s important to remember how you’ve framed it and that they don’t necessarily know that they’ve been exhibiting non-acceptable behaviors. Possibly because they’ve gotten away with these maladaptive personality traits for so long, they are unaware of the pain and discomfort they are causing other people. What matters, though, is that we are still using a gentle approach. A good way to express yourself in this discussion is to explain how certain traits, behaviors, or manners of communication are either hurtful, ineffective, or exhausting. At this stage, it’s probably a bad idea to outright tell them that their behaviors are wrong. It’s likely that they are going to remain adamant that there’s nothing wrong with the way that they act. So instead, tell them that it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong. What matters is that it doesn’t work for you. It’s hurting you deeply, and you need some changes.
A wonderful debating technique that could be very impactful is an idea put forth by American psychologist Carl Rogers. In this technique, you tell the person ahead of time that you are going to explain a point that you’re trying to make. Once you’ve finished explaining that point, they are going to repeat this point back to you until you agree that they got it right. In exchange, you will do the same for them for each of their points. You take turns, and nobody can be misconstrued. This is a nice way to go about it because you’re laying out very fair rules in advance and appealing to the logical side of the person with OCPD.
If you manage to make some headway in this first discussion, you can move on to gently challenging some of their behaviors. This isn’t a one-and-done deal. There are going to be many discussions that take place, and in each conversation, you’re aiming to assert yourself a little bit more. Each time you point out a behavior or pattern of behaviors that you find unacceptable, maybe they start connecting some dots in their own minds. Remember, someone with OCPD is far more likely to enter therapy due to some other mental disorder causing them discomfort. The likelihood is that they have more than one thing going on. Depression and anxiety are the big two that usually drive someone with OCPD to a mental health professional. We mention this because empathizing with them can be a good way to get them into therapy. Point out that not only are some of their behaviors making you sad, but that you can see how unhappy their own behaviors are making them. Let them know that you can see that they are stressed out and that they really should take some positive steps to get to the bottom of it. As tempting as it is to throw that four-letter word around, bringing up the concept of OCPD should not be something that happens until either you’ve convinced them that maybe there’s something wrong or they can see and admit that their behaviors are hurting you and are unacceptable. Once you reach that point, they may be open enough to accept the possibility.
"STAGNATION"
Even for those actively trying to combat the traits and symptoms of OCPD, the process can be painstakingly long, and you still need to find a way to be happy in the meantime. And so it won’t hurt to have a few tools in your arsenal to help the other person reach their mental health goals a little faster.
Let’s tackle the resentment, anger, hostility, impatience, coldness, animosity, indignation, irritation, or whatever else you want to call it first. There are levels ranging from mild to five-alarm fire, but you know what is being referred to here. The general attitude you face on a daily basis. This isn’t a case of fighting fire with fire. If in the previous section the common theme was being gentle, it’s now going to be patience. If you were to let many people with OCPD just rant, many of them would find themselves at the end of the rant very frustrated and disappointed in themselves for acting that way. If you don’t jump on the defense or attack them back, they’re going to start recognizing their overreactions. This, though, isn’t a suggestion, as we don’t want you to be an emotional punching bag. What we want is to find the sweet spot right in the middle.
What needs to be done, and this will be different for everyone, is to find a balance between how much you can tolerate and when it becomes overwhelming. Then, at the point where it becomes too much, you need to clearly explain that their words or actions are causing you to feel some emotional distress or that they’re having a negative impact on you. You can be patient and understanding while doing this. Explain that you understand that they don’t mean to upset you but that the conversation is getting to that point. Reinforce that it is time to move onto another subject, have some quiet time, or even have some time to yourselves. The key here is to transition them out of this heightened emotional state and bring things back down to earth without throwing too much blame around. If they feel attacked, they’ll double down on their righteous indignation, and they’ll likely jump back on the defense. If they feel too much guilt or responsibility over how they made you feel, they could spiral into a depressed state or give you the silent treatment. This wouldn’t be your responsibility or fault, but it’s still something we are consciously trying to avoid.
So be patient. Be gentle. But be firm and truthful about how these conversations make you feel. It’s also a really good idea to discuss with your loved one ahead of time which topics of conversation make you the most uncomfortable, or the ones that you feel don’t usually result in positive outcomes. Anxiety, stress, depression & new situations are common triggers for sending OCPD symptoms into overdrive. Anticipating them and trying to minimize them is a nice utopian idea, but if we were in a utopia, nobody would have OCPD. Or everyone would have OCPD. Either way, most of life you don’t see coming, so what can we do when we see symptoms flare?
Again, empathy and patience are really important. Point out gently that you can see that their symptoms are ramping up and that you recognize that they must be suffering in some way or that something must be bothering them. Offer to be open to hearing about what it is. Offer to take some of the weight off their shoulders if you’re able to. But remind them that just because they’re going through a hard time doesn’t mean that their compulsions or control are an acceptable form of behavior. So try to get them to take a step back, recognize that what they’re doing is a compulsion, and allow them time to process that information. By slowly, over time, introducing them to their own compulsions, they’ll start to recognize them before you have to point them out. This doesn’t mean you have to stop them dead in their tracks. If they’re in the middle of cleaning or organizing something, let them find a reasonable stopping point. But be there at the end to discuss with them how things escalated to the point of falling into the trap of a compulsion.
"INDIGNATION"
It may feel as though a lot of responsibility has been put on your shoulders, and you wouldn’t be wrong. But by reading up to this point, it has to be assumed that you care enough about this person in your life to put these suggestions into action.
There are alternatives, however, and these alternatives fall under the "severe" category. You could cut this person out of your life, either temporarily or permanently. And this may be the best thing for you to do for yourself. You could keep doing what you’re already doing, but that would mean endless bickering, horrible fights, the silent treatment, or an unimaginable combination of all three. If you want to keep this person in your life and they’re in the depths of OCPD, you have your work cut out for you. So we should only be doing all of this work if we know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Most of the people who had success with their OCPD person attributed it in some part to letting the person with OCPD know that their behaviors were hurtful and damaging and that they were contributing to a very low quality of life. So although it’s best to communicate all of this nicely, it needs to be said, and it needs to be said often. It’s one of your best chances of success.
Final thoughts:
Be very open and as communicative as possible. It’s like what some parents do with their children. They give them positive reinforcement and effectively communicate reasonable repercussions, so that if a child gets themselves into trouble, they still feel comfortable going to the parent for help, as they’ll prioritize the child’s needs over teaching them a lesson or handing out a punishment. At least for the moment anyway. So make sure your loved one feels comfortable coming to you when they’re overwhelmed, knowing you’ll give them positive reinforcement instead of berating them for handling their emotions poorly. There will be times when you’ll want to play an active role in their overcoming OCPD, and there will be times when giving them space is the most effective thing you can do to help. Being present and observant will go a long way toward speeding things up.
There will obviously be conversations that need resolution. These will be the hardest. You can’t concede every one, and neither should you. So when discussing a topic you can’t agree on, it’s important to discuss not only your reasons for how you feel but also the motivations behind how you feel. What that means is that it doesn’t hurt to remind the other person how much you love them and that any stance you take is based on your feeling strongly that it’s the best decision for the both of you. Lean towards using more “I” statements than “you” statements. They may not agree with your points, but a nice starting point is reminding each other that you love each other and that your differences don’t change that. Also remind them that sometimes it’s ok to go with the second-best idea or that not everything has to be planned out to the final details in order for things to work out for the best. You’re probably already thinking about the pushback, but things aren’t going to change the first time you try these things. Keep with it. Keep letting them know that your thoughts and feelings are just as valuable as theirs and that, in order for your relationship to work, they are going to have to start taking them into account.
It could be good to encourage the person to journal their daily thoughts. The person with OCPD is not the only one who might benefit from journaling. Family and friends might want to note their observations and share them in a constructive, non-confrontational manner.
Encouraging someone to adopt healthy coping techniques is a good way to help someone without pointing out what you think they’re doing wrong. They should be mindful of healthy eating and exercise regimens, getting decent sleep & avoiding excessive alcohol and drug consumption. For the person with OCPD who is trying to get it under control, one of the primary things they should be attempting to do is lower their stress. Being in the company of someone with OCPD can feel like walking through a field of landmines. So for both the person diagnosed with OCPD and their family and friends, dealing with this disorder requires patience, compassion, and fortitude.
In closing, hold on to the reasons you made the choice to read this article in the first place. Let your love for this individual guide your words and actions. It may serve the health of the relationship to take a step back and allow yourself to see all the good in this person. People with OCPD tend to be very driven and accomplished. There may be parts of their maladaptive personality that you benefit from or may have even found endearing (depending on your own personality type). Seeing the positive does not mean that you are negating or excusing the negative. It does mean however that you are allowing yourself a more nuanced, and therefore caring, perspective.
Medically Reviewed by Gary Trosclair, DMA, LCSW on March 01, 2024 | Written by Darryl Rossignol