Originally published by: The Healthy Compulsive Project

Imposter syndrome is the dread that you aren’t as good as others think you are, coupled with the certainty that they’ll discover the discrepancy and point you out with shame-shooting fingers. It’s as much fun as an audit with the IRS (the American tax authority) when you faintly remember fudging some things, but don’t remember exactly what they were. (Did I deduct toothpaste?)

Imposter syndrome is often experienced by high-achievers who can’t believe that their successes were merited. People with imposter syndrome chalk their victories up to luck or circumstance, and fear that they will be discovered as the flunkies they really are.

But you don’t have to be Bill Gates to suffer from imposter syndrome. All it takes to get started is a gap between how you think people see you and how you actually feel about yourself.

You may have noticed that simply reminding yourself that you really did get that degree, that contract or that telephone number from Mr. or Ms. Gorgeous doesn’t alleviate the dread. That’s because it isn’t just about your apparent successes or failures—what you’ve done or not done. It goes deeper than that. It’s more about who you feel you are rather than just what you have done.

When Persona and Shadow Are Too Far Apart

One way to understand imposter syndrome, and this is not exclusive of other ways, is to check for discrepancies between the personality parts known as persona and shadow.

Persona is the mask you wear, the way you present yourself, so people will see you in a positive or acceptable way, for example, unflappable, well-organized, successful, or beyond reproach.

Shadow is the “dark” part of you that you don’t want people to see; your impatience with people when they get in the way of your goals, your lack of confidence, or the fact that rather than be so nice, you‘d rather just tell everyone how stupid they are.

The degree of difference between these two archetypal parts determines whether you feel like a fraud or the real deal. When the two get too far apart it’s like having one foot on a dock and the other on a boat about to leave port.  You don’t have a solid foundation and it’s just a matter of time before you can’t sustain the split and fall into the lake of imposter syndrome.

Splash.

Imposter syndrome doesn’t develop just in regard to one’s more obvious accomplishments or lack thereof.  If you feel that how you come across (your persona) is too different from who you feel you really are (including your shadow), you’re a house divided, and vulnerable to feeling as if you’re a fake.  It’s like keeping a huge secret.

Healing Imposter Syndrome

The solution is not to cultivate your persona and decimate your shadow. It’s to be aware of both of them, accept them as inevitable aspects of being human, and do your best to keep the two from drifting too far apart.

To heal imposter syndrome, we need to build a foundation of basic self-respect before trying to assure our worth with success at higher levels. The 2nd and 3rd floors of a house will collapse if there isn’t a secure, sturdy ground floor.

And please keep in mind that the experience of imposter syndrome is very common; as many as 70% of us feel it. It’s so common that some argue that we have no business calling it a syndrome, because that implies it’s an illness rather than a nearly universal human struggle. So, know that you are not alone in this, and that it doesn’t mean you’re all screwed up.  You’re just suffering, and that calls for compassion, not judgement.

Let’s dig in.

Persona: A Limited View of a Whole Person

We all need to have a persona, a mask that shows only limited aspects of ourselves. Persona is looked down on in some circles as fake or superficial, but the capacity to put your best foot forward is really a natural and potentially healthy skill. Advice to “Just be yourself” and let it all hang out is great for going to the beach, but not for the office, the stage, or a visit to your potential in-laws, who are not known for their open-mindedness. Consider being totally authentic when your life, career, or family is at stake and you might not be so taken by it.

Persona becomes a problem when it isn’t just a limited view of ourselves, but a deceptive one. A limited view doesn’t advertise your youthful indiscretions and more mature, though momentary, lapses of integrity.

On the other hand, a deceptive persona doesn’t work well. If you say you were hanging in the Ivy League when you weren’t it will probably cause anxiety.  When there is a discrepancy between how you present yourself, and how you actually feel about yourself, you will feel anxious about being discovered.

It also becomes a problem when you never remove your persona to expose the real you to people who are close to you. If you can’t tell your partner and best friends that you have performance anxiety, you need to learn to take off the mask. People tend to confuse their persona with their identity. But it’s not you. It’s just a mask you wear 10 hours a day.

Also, believe it or not, what most people want in a friend or partner is not superiority, righteousness or achievement, but genuineness and connection. So, that persona of “success” you’ve been working hard to refine for years may backfire when it comes to developing relationships.

Shadow: Imperfections and Potential

We all have a shadow, but we don’t always acknowledge it to ourselves, and even less often do we acknowledge it to others. Having a shadow isn’t the problem. Denying it is.

The shadow is the part of ourselves that feels imperfect and socially unacceptable to us. We don’t want to show it to the world. Typically, people think shadow is a bad thing and do their best to hide it. But the good news about shadow is that while it can be degenerate, once it’s made conscious, it can also offer depth and resources.

You might have things like laziness and messiness in your shadow, but you want people to think of you as disciplined and hardworking. So, you feel like you have to hide naps, moments of leisure, and those times when you engaged in apparently unproductive web-surfing, even though the rest that they offer may actually lead to greater productivity.

In many cases, shadow is the dragon that guards the treasure of potential.

Perhaps people have come to think of you as this kind, cooperative, even self-sacrificing person, and the last thing you want them to know about you is that you resent being so giving and compliant.  Trying to keep that a secret will make you more anxious than them discovering the real you would. The solution isn’t necessarily a rant about how you’re always the one that walks the dog, but rather setting boundaries and sharing the chores in the first place so that persona and shadow don’t grow too far apart. That builds a more solid foundation.

One final benefit of knowing your shadow: if you ever get tired of judging others, remembering your own shortcomings is a great way to let go of your critiques.

Obsessive-Compulsive Imposter Syndrome

While many people struggle with imposter syndrome, people who are obsessive-compulsive have a particular version of it: an emphasis on virtue: be upright, work hard, and prove that you’re above reproach. Other people, people who don’t have OCP, might emphasize intelligence, looks, or how triumphantly they can navigate a jet ski. And while there is overlap, there are particular aspects of OCP that make people with it vulnerable to developing imposter syndrome.

This persona of virtue puts you in a very difficult position. You have to work hard to live up to your standards, and if you don’t feel basic self-respect, if you haven’t accepted that you can have a shadow and still be a decent individual, you’re probably going to feel like an imposter.

The discrepancy between your image and your true self may also lead you to compensate with more work, more pleasing and more perfecting, none of which will really get to the underlying issue of feeling that you’re not all you’re cranked up to be, the feeling that there is no secure foundation of self-respect.

Perfectionism also causes problems because we have difficulty tolerating things that aren’t just right—like our shadow. We make progress when we learn to live next to imperfection, not by denying it or trying to prevent it.

Brent Focuses on Success, Not His Emotional Health

Brent successfully managed two startups which sold to larger corporations for more money than he knew what to do with. And now he has the opportunity to work his magic again. But he’s feeling dread. He can identify the concern about not succeeding with another start-up, but as much as he, and his wife, remind him that he’s really brilliant at this, the dread doesn’t diminish.

The problem is that the issue that’s really causing the discomfort is not just about whether he can catapult another company to Mt. Olympus. Rather it’s his overall sense of himself as a person, which is not so secure. He has no first floor of basic self-respect to his house.

Yes, he can turn around a company, but can he turn around himself? He has only vague awareness of his discomfort with his need for victory, for completion, and unshakeable need to be right.

Brent likes to come across as really together, but he really feels like a hot mess. Beneath the surface, and viewed through his perfectionistic lenses, he feels like he’s always on the brink of chaos, and he’s afraid others will discover that. Even though he isn’t focused consciously on it, humiliation is always lurking beneath the surface–like that IRS agent ready to pounce.

So, persona and shadow are very far apart, and it doesn’t feel good.

Work provides distraction from the discomfort. Rather than lean into those feelings with acceptance, understanding and compassion, he tries to ignore them. Despite legions of memes warning, What Resists Persists, Brent sees resistance as a virtuous act of will.

He is focused on external success and corporate warfare, not his psychological welfare.

All Together Now

Relief from imposter syndrome starts with ground level self-compassion and acceptance, including acceptance of our shadow and shortcomings.

Here are seven steps to building a more secure foundation that will prevent you from falling into imposter syndrome.

1. Cultivate the capacity to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Resisting feelings such as a fear of falling short or being discovered as a fraud will only lead to more dread.

2. Welcome and accept your fear of being found out. So what if they do discover that you aren’t everything they’ve come to imagine about you? Is that truly dangerous, or just uncomfortable? Anxiety is not the problem: your reaction to it is.

3. Identify your persona, what you want others to think of you. Is that too distant from how you feel about yourself? Risk presenting a more authentic view of yourself when possible.

4. Don’t identify with your achievements. That makes you vulnerable to imposter syndrome, and there’s a lot more to you than that. Achievements are what you have done—not who you are.

5. List what’s most important to you. Commit to honoring those values with your behavior.

6. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t believe the Instagram portrayal of their well-being, a deceptive use of persona.

7. Remember that people rarely expect as much of you as you imagine they do. (See my post on demand sensitivity.) It may not be fair to them to think that they’re really so demanding. You may be projecting, confusing your own expectations with theirs. And if they do have unrealistic expectations, that’s their issue to work out, not yours.

In Sum: A Whole Foundation

Building a solid first floor foundation of basic respect, and furnishing it with self-compassion will diminish imposter syndrome. Rather than splitting yourself between how you look and how you feel, image yourself as whole, congruent and harmonious, all parts embraced by consciousness. This is within your control. Success and the opinions of others are not. With a secure foundation, you’re ready to pursue your passions and face the inevitable challenges, whatever the outcome.

References available in original article on The Healthy Compulsive Project.